Story as narrated to David Miringa
For the longest time possible, I have tried to desist from the allegations that ‘men are trash’ because they are not. My father, a clergyman who has done all it takes to shower me with love is proof of the good men possess. I always knew that I might never get a man like him but at least, I knew there might be one that Is close to humanity. Before you throw your first stone at me for comparisons, here is the side of my story.
Two years ago, I fell flat in love, I remember that the beautiful year of 2018, the month of October, which doubles as my birth month in which I met Norman (not real names) Everything started making sense, I had dated before, but as the millennials say, ‘Norman hit me differently’ and the timing seemed right since I was in the evening hours of my 20s. He was a caring loving civil servant. I had some valuable lessons from my early dating years and lowered my expectations to give our relationship a chance.
Due to the nature of his job, he would move the entire country to serve this, our mother nation and I had come to terms with that. In the morning hours of January before COVID-19 caught us all unawares, I became pregnant with his child. I remember asking for his opinion and he said we shall keep the baby. It is months later that I remember the question that my best friend posed to me that day,’ Was Norman ok, with the baby thing? Did you read his emotions? Did you look into his eyes to confirm if it was ok for you guys to have a baby?’ I didn’t do all that since the news was broken on phone. As day follows night, months passed, and he legit promised me that we would go through this together. He promised me that we would do our kukyala, after baby Autrine was born, a name he chose.
Our relationship was not very public though close friends knew about it. Everything started getting to a standstill when Rinah (not real names), my best friend organized a baby shower for me. I am told that one of the members who doubles as my primary OG, had tipped her on how my Norman, my baby daddy-to-be was someone else’s husband. He had wedded when I was 7 months pregnant. I could not believe until photos showed up. There was no way, I would have noticed at least.
When all sunk in, and dust pretended to settle, I confronted him and he admitted saying he was sorry. I shrunk on the veranda and tears started rolling down. Weeks later, I gave birth to a bouncing baby girl but for the rest of my life, there are questions that will haunt me.
How can I share a bed with someone and fail to have a clue beyond the meet the talk, to notice something sketchy like some other girl, how was I so dumb?
Was I the main chic (girlfriend) or she was the main chic? Was she a side dish and she took advantage and walked faster than me to church?
Which kind of oxygen does a man who fails to show up at the birth of his child and weeks later has never asked for photos breathe?
Where is my seat in my family since their only daughter could only contribute such a shame to the glory that has been built for years? I always see the pain with which my mother looks at me and once in a while, I get her crying.
What shall I tell my daughter, what questions will she ask? Where shall I get the answers? What did I do to deserve single motherhood at a time when I am just hitting the 3rd floor?
What did I do wrong on my way to search for a life partner? How am I supposed to trust a man again and when is that supposed to happen?
Most of the time, I seem okay, but I am a wretch, wrapped in anger and pain, with no clue of what to do next. I am at a road junction and I do not know which direction to take. The tears drenched in my pillow tell the story of how sad I am. But above all, how am I supposed to fall out of love with him. Does he even have the answers I need? Does he even have a chance to answer them? At what age will Autrine be when she feels the warmth of his father’s arms?
They say Karama bites, but up to now, I do not know what I did to deserve this. I will live with the fact that I was the opportunity cost when someone made a choice. I am in nightfall but who is going to see me through it all? I am judged left right and center, who will listen to my story without judging? I had found my footing, now I am on the floor with no clear chances of bouncing back.
What exactly am I going to do?