By Rashim Nabanja
Wedding nights can be pretty exciting. The thought of being righteously intimate with your partner for the first time alone brings about a certain spark in you that can trigger excitement and nervousness at the same time. For couples that have been intimate before, the experience is usually quite normal but when it comes to virgins, things may be a bit different.
Knowing you are about to take a huge step forward in your life that you can never reverse can be terrifyingly exciting. Aside from the fear and multiple questions you might have running through your head, it is really exciting to know that you are finally going to connect with your partner more intimately.
In the society we live in today, it is hard to go by without hearing different perceptions about sex. Everyone has something to say and for a virgin who is about to go down this road, you may not help but replay all these stories.
Aiden Namulinda, a businesswoman says she got married at an early age and she was a virgin. She was really excited and couldn’t wait for her first time to be intimate with her partner, however, her biggest scare was getting pregnant, “I always heard stories that the moment you have sex is the moment you get pregnant so it really frightened me because I wasn’t ready to have a baby yet.”
Namulinda didn’t really get the chance to prepare in any way but since her husband was really understanding, he kept her calm.
She also mentions that she had the support of her mother and sister with whom they shared everything so at least this kept her at ease, “My first time being intimate, was really fun considering that I was with someone that loved and cared for me however, I bled a lot and got scared thinking something might have been wrong but the support I had from family kept me in check.”
Are you a virgin out there and you are practically nervous about your wedding night? Here are some tips on how you could prepare for the big night.
Consider using artificial lubrication
When you are a virgin, being naturally lubricated may be a bit of an issue. It can be due to anxiety that keeps the body on tension hence not allowing some natural occurrences however, you can always opt for an artificial lubrication.
Sex without enough lubrication can hurt, therefore you can take time off before your special night and purchase some lubrication from a pharmacy or clinic.
Applying lubrication is normal so you don’t have to hide and do it from the bathroom. You need to your partner know about what is going and make them understand. This is part of making yourself comfortable.
If your partner is a virgin, or you both are virgins, one of the important things that you need to know is that getting fully aroused takes some time. This is why you have to take time with foreplay. It will help you get comfortable plus calm your anxiety and nervousness. By the time you get to penetration, you will both be at ease and calm enough to enjoy the moment.
Counsellor Musaalo says intimacy turns out best when you take your time. The perception that has been built by society saying that being aggressive and physical is interesting is all wrong, at least not on the first night.
Be gentle and allow your partner to lead you on. It is only natural that your body and mind will tell you when your partner is asking you to either take it slow or add some aggressiveness to it. All you need to do is pay attention to each other, then you will know what your partner is liking or what they are not being comfortable with.
The right positions
Your wedding night isn’t the day to explore and exhaust all the sex positions that you have heard of. You have time to do all the positions in the world that you want so if you are aware that your partner is a virgin, use the easiest and most comfortable positions for beginners.
Some of the positions recommended are the missionary, where your husband is on top and Woman on top positions.
Usually, during missionary, it is the husband in control so you can tell him when you are filling pain or when you need him to stop.
Woman on top, on the other hand, a woman to be in control making them have the choice to do whatever they are comfortable with.
Talk to someone
You probably have many questions running through your head and it is these questions that are making you nervous. For you to get comfortable with yourself, there is no better way other than finding the answers to these questions by talking to someone. Sex is a usually shy topic for most people but since you are headed in its direction, be brave and talk to someone you trust, not just anyone that will worsen everything.
You could either talk to a counsellor or an elder, or friend that is experienced in this area.
According to Julian Mutiibwa, a married woman with two kids, back in the day, girls used to be sat down and educated about sex as they were being prepared for their marriage however, these days few of the families do this, even the paternal aunties (sengas) are now shy to talk to their daughters hence neglecting them.
She however advises girls to always be brave enough and ask about what they don’t know, “If your Senga can’t approach you and yet it is the time, then approach her and get your answers. Don’t keep yourself in the dark because it is going to ruin a perfect night for you.”
However, these days, there are people that offer Senga services on the internet. Mutiibwa says all you need to do is pick a credible one, invest in yourself and all your questions will be answered toping them up to learning what you didn’t even expect.
Have a positive attitude
As a virgin, you may have mixed feelings about your expectations. A woman may wonder if it will hurt and a man will keep questioning himself whether he will reach his wife’s expectations or not. However, according to Counsellor Joseph Musaalo, a counsellor and psychologist at Adonai Counseling and Training Services in Kampala, a couple should fight to have a positive attitude right from the beginning.
A woman should have an attitude like; “You must not worry if I don’t reach orgasm tonight. I won’t blame you or say there is something wrong with you. As the days and months pass, we will learn to satisfy one another. And we will enjoy learning.”
And for the man, his attitude should say: “I will be careful not to hurt you. I won’t think only of my own pleasure. I will help you to enjoy.” If you can convince yourself with these attitudes, all your fears and anxiety will lessen and it will entirely simplify your experience.
Do not keep your partner in the dark
The worst way to begin your next chapter is by starting with a lie. This is the person you have chosen to be with for the rest of your life, why keep them in the dark about some of your truths.
If you are a virgin, it is better to let your partner know so that they can have an idea on how to handle you however if you choose to be silent. This might end up building more anxiety and fear in you yet the perfect intimacy requires a calm and relaxed body.
Create a suitable mood
The best intimacy comes when both partners are in the best mood for action. Intimacy should never be rushed. Remember, you are doing it for the first time so both partners should fight to make sure that they get each other in the right mood.
Creating a perfect mood for intimacy can range from having a perfect environment to what you are wearing.
When it comes to the environment, it needs to be calm and soothing. Dimming the lights, scenting the room, filling it with roses and candles can really help you get into the mood with your partner and ease on both your anxiety.
According to counsellor Musaalo, it is always better to keep the door to your room shut were necessary because most women feel secure and can concentrate that way.
He however adds that couples should take their time and explore each other’s bodies so that they both feel wanted.
Being verbal is also very important, tell your partner whether you like what his doing and also be open when you are starting to feel uncomfortable.
Environment aside, make yourself attractive. You may start by taking a scented bath, cleaning yourself thoroughly and dressing up in the best lingerie you can find.
No pressure, you don’t have to do it on the first night
According to Halima Nansubuga, she and her husband didn’t get intimate until a week into their marriage, “I had fear. I always heard stories that it would hurt and no matter how my husband comforted me, I was still scared.”
Nansubuga adds that the fact because she had the mentality of experiencing pain on the first go, even after a week of trying, she admits she still felt some pain during her first experience.
One of the most important things that couples need to understand is that your wedding night isn’t all about sex. You have an entire lifetime to get intimate with your partner so why the rush. Take time and get comfortable with each other.
You can use the first night and days to enjoy each other’s company, appreciate each other’s presence and also learn to explore your bodies. The most frightening part would be penetration, so it wouldn’t hurt to keep it on hold for a while as you learn more about each other.
It is always important to remember that your partner may not be perfect and neither are you. Do not rush each other into meeting your personal expectations on the first go. Take your time, and make sure you communicate on what pleasures you and what you dislike. Always consider your partners pleasure too, don’t be limited to your own satisfaction.