{"id":16409,"date":"2021-01-12T10:20:16","date_gmt":"2021-01-12T07:20:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.mywedding.co.ug\/?p=16409"},"modified":"2021-01-12T10:54:38","modified_gmt":"2021-01-12T07:54:38","slug":"when-faith-stands-in-the-way-of-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.mywedding.co.ug\/?p=16409","title":{"rendered":"When\u00a0faith\u00a0stands in the way of\u00a0marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Joan Salmon<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cMy\u00a0parents\u00a0were of different faiths;\u00a0mum-\u00a0Muslim and dad\u00a0–\u00a0Catholic,\u201d Beatrice Langariti, a psychotherapist with Thrive 360, narrates. It was such a big deal that her maternal\u00a0granddad was a Hajji and as you would have it, her parents\u00a0separated after a short while.\u00a0\u201cTalking\u00a0to mum, she says she would have stayed because she cared regardless of what\u00a0grandfather\u00a0said. However,\u00a0there were several marital challenges that weakened their\u00a0bond\u00a0hence failing\u00a0to withstand\u00a0the already\u00a0existent\u00a0parental disapproval.\u201d<\/p>\n

We all want to be accepted, loved, make our families proud and happy, so the rather unstable bond\u00a0was\u00a0reason enough\u00a0for her mother\u00a0to let go and follow\u00a0the father\u2019s wishes.\u00a0\u201cMother got re-married to a fellow Muslim, and dad to an Anglican,\u201d Langariti says.\"\"<\/p>\n

Henry Nsubuga, manager of the counseling and guidance Center at Makerere University, Kampala says ideally, parents want their children to follow what they deem right and are comfortable with; religion being one of them. \u201cHowever, as children mature, they become independent and can make their choices. All a parent can do is to influence the decisions.\u201d Nsubuga adds that unlike in the past where interfaith marriages were close to impossible, it has got easier; parents are becoming more accommodative.\u00a0\u00a0Nonetheless, the friction still exists.<\/p>\n

Langariti says she often\u00a0runs into\u00a0such scenarios in her practice. \u201cMost\u00a0of these disapprovals come from the fear of the\u00a0unknown;\u00a0parents look at this person as a threat, see\u00a0everything from negative lenses and are not even willing to give a\u00a0listening ear.\u201d<\/p>\n

She says a lot depends on the relationship a child has with their parents, how the parents view their child, the relationship that the couple has, and the place their faith holds in their relationship. \u201cIf parents appreciate that their child is an adult, who can take charge, that is a wonderful perspective. In such a case, they only come in to advise, knowing that they have raised them right. However, if the child-parent relationship is based on fear hence the need for the child to please, that is a challenge. As such, the parent does not accept that their child is above 18, responsible for their life and are on a journey thus must have an experience where all they need is your advice.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nsubuga points out that it is improper for parents to stand in the way of a marriage. \u201cWhile they are important, marriage is primarily between two people. We also cannot deny,\u00a0you enjoy your relationship better\u00a0when\u00a0your parents are accepting of your partner, but sometimes\u00a0it is not so yet\u00a0this is the person\u00a0that\u00a0matters to you and\u00a0holds what you cherish.\u201d\"\"<\/p>\n

He says, on several occasions, he has counseled couples who wedded the partners their parents approved of only for the marriage to go sour. \u201cTherefore\u00a0what matters most is what works for the intending couple.\u00a0It calls for parents to be more understanding and accepting\u00a0inasmuch as\u00a0it is tough.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sheikh Twaibu Ali Mpanso, of the Sharia Court, says that just like Christians, there should ideally be no reason why Muslims should not get married to one another despite their variations. \u201cNonetheless, the strength of one\u2019s allegiance to their variation determines how much they will put their foot down to deter a marriage.\u201c<\/p>\n

However,\u00a0he says it is taboo for a\u00a0non-Muslim\u00a0and\u00a0a\u00a0Muslim to get married\u00a0unless the\u00a0former converts to Islam. \u201cOnly then\u00a0is\u00a0the marriage considered religious\u00a0as\u00a0it is against the law for a Muslim to marry or get married to a non-Muslim.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mpanso also notes that\u00a0another reason\u00a0Muslims cannot\u00a0accept their children\u00a0to go with a non-Muslim is the issue of pork. \u201cMost Christians\u00a0eat\u00a0pork and a Muslim cannot imagine their child being profaned by\u00a0it\u00a0as it\u00a0is\u00a0also against the law to eat pork.\u201d<\/p>\n

Where does the wedding ceremony happen from?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Seeing that we are a patriarchal\u00a0society, Nsubuga says\u00a0the ceremony is\u00a0usually\u00a0done on the man\u2019s side.\u00a0\u201cBut sometimes, there are compromises to make the parents happy hence going\u00a0to the parents\u2019 church of choice for the wedding ceremony and then to their church of choice for a blessing.\u201d Nonetheless, he emphasizes that it is best the couple does what makes sense to them.<\/p>\n

If the tension is between the couple,\u00a0Nsubuga says that\u00a0it is time to agree, better still, doing it in both prayer places could\u00a0relieve the tension.<\/p>\n

Which religion does the family take on?\"\"<\/strong><\/p>\n

Langariti\u00a0asserts\u00a0that an adult that sacrifices their relationship\u00a0to please\u00a0their parents without rationale\u00a0is\u00a0not ready to start a family or be in charge.\u00a0\u201cIn such\u00a0cases, I advise the couple to wait and resolve it either to disagree or\u00a0to\u00a0agree,\u201d\u00a0She\u00a0says that is because matters of religion are very emotional, very sensitive, very central and affect our behavior, beliefs and how we view God,\u00a0and\u00a0people.\u201d<\/p>\n

If they choose to agree, she says some things have to clear;<\/p>\n

Are\u00a0you\u00a0willing to explore each other\u2019s faith and find\u00a0common ground? That is because\u00a0some of these faiths have\u00a0some\u00a0things\u00a0in\u00a0common; believe that there is God, looking for meaning and purpose. Through exploration,\u00a0you also appreciate the differences and\u00a0get to know what is best for both of\u00a0you. In this case, no one is persuading the other to take theirs, but they are willing to learn from another.\u00a0\u201cWe go wrong when without taking time to learn about the other\u2019s faith, we label it as bad,\u201d Langariti points out.<\/p>\n

Elizabeth\u00a0Masaba, a counselor, says couples need to negotiate about\u00a0their\u00a0faith right from courtship.\u201cDiscuss and let the core faith be known.\u201d\"\"<\/p>\n

It is not an issue to be pushed under the carpet because it\u00a0will\u00a0breed conflict sooner or later. \u201cIt\u00a0affects\u00a0various marriage phases;\u00a0how to raise the children,\u00a0and\u00a0the prayers\u00a0said\u00a0in the home.\u201d\u00a0If one feels their faith is superior,\u00a0it is better to\u00a0give it\u00a0more\u00a0time, maybe a few months. However,\u00a0never leave it open-ended because this person has been grounded in this faith for so long; it would be a gift that they accept to convert in a matter of days.\u201d<\/p>\n

Masaba also cautions couples that in some instances, when a wife refuses to adopt her husband\u2019s faith, it causes him to feel small and his family members point fingers at him leading to a dented self-esteem. All in all, Masaba urges couples to recognize the other\u2019s faith because despising it causes strife in the marriage.<\/p>\n

Getting away from the couple, Nsubuga advises couples that children need to be raised in one church or faith to avoid confusion\u00a0in their earlier faith learning years. Nonetheless, they can also be exposed to what happens in the other faith. \u201cIt is only fair to them to be grounded in one\u00a0faith\u00a0as it gives them a sense of belonging\u00a0and avoids\u00a0confusion. They can\u00a0choose their path later on.\u201d<\/p>\n

Masaba shares that mothers can teach children about God from home. \u201cIf the father allows you to go with them to your place of worship, that is great, but if he doesn\u2019t, drop it; let it not cause contention.\u201d She however cautions them against letting their children grow without any knowledge about God, \u201cGroom them the best way you can, it will help them to make an informed decision later in life,\u201d Masaba points out.<\/p>\n

All in all\u00a0Langariti\u00a0says\u00a0it should be a matter of discussion, choice and never about manipulation.\"\"<\/p>\n

In all honesty, parents always wish the best for their children and believe that what is best for them cuts across. \u201cWe need to understand that even when they are demanding you to get a partner of similar faith, they are doing it out of love. So we should judge them sparingly; understand where they are coming from,\u201d Nsubuga says.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Joan Salmon \u201cMy\u00a0parents\u00a0were of different faiths;\u00a0mum-\u00a0Muslim and dad\u00a0–\u00a0Catholic,\u201d Beatrice Langariti, a psychotherapist with Thrive 360, narrates. It was such a big deal that her maternal\u00a0granddad was a Hajji and as you would have it, her parents\u00a0separated after a short while.\u00a0\u201cTalking\u00a0to mum, she says she would have stayed because she cared regardless of what\u00a0grandfather\u00a0said. However,\u00a0there […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":16417,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jnews-multi-image_gallery":[],"jnews_single_post":{"source_name":"","source_url":"","via_name":"","via_url":"","override_template":"0","override":[{"template":"1","single_blog_custom":"","parallax":"1","fullscreen":"1","layout":"right-sidebar","sidebar":"default-sidebar","second_sidebar":"default-sidebar","sticky_sidebar":"1","share_position":"top","share_float_style":"share-monocrhome","show_share_counter":"1","show_view_counter":"1","show_featured":"1","show_post_meta":"1","show_post_author":"1","show_post_author_image":"1","show_post_date":"1","post_date_format":"default","post_date_format_custom":"Y\/m\/d","show_post_category":"1","show_post_reading_time":"0","post_reading_time_wpm":"300","show_zoom_button":"0","zoom_button_out_step":"2","zoom_button_in_step":"3","show_post_tag":"1","show_prev_next_post":"1","show_popup_post":"1","number_popup_post":"1","show_author_box":"0","show_post_related":"0","show_inline_post_related":"0"}],"override_image_size":"0","image_override":[{"single_post_thumbnail_size":"crop-500","single_post_gallery_size":"crop-500"}],"trending_post":"0","trending_post_position":"meta","trending_post_label":"Trending","sponsored_post":"0","sponsored_post_label":"Sponsored by","sponsored_post_name":"","sponsored_post_url":"","sponsored_post_logo_enable":"0","sponsored_post_logo":"","sponsored_post_desc":""},"jnews_primary_category":{"id":""},"footnotes":""},"categories":[170],"tags":[],"ppma_author":[1784],"class_list":["post-16409","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advice"],"authors":[{"term_id":1784,"user_id":1,"is_guest":0,"slug":"weddingadmin","display_name":"weddingadmin","avatar_url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/cd3996c46efafdc40969010bfd78c8e4dda9d99318e7dd6403983ea0dadbcfce?s=96&d=mm&r=g","author_category":"","first_name":"","last_name":"","user_url":"","job_title":"","description":""}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mywedding.co.ug\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16409","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mywedding.co.ug\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mywedding.co.ug\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mywedding.co.ug\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mywedding.co.ug\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=16409"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.mywedding.co.ug\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16409\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":16420,"href":"https:\/\/www.mywedding.co.ug\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16409\/revisions\/16420"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mywedding.co.ug\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/16417"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mywedding.co.ug\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=16409"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mywedding.co.ug\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=16409"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mywedding.co.ug\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=16409"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mywedding.co.ug\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fppma_author&post=16409"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}