She is my first sexual partner, I am her 9th. She had two relationships before she was 20
I am a 24-year-old man. I have been in a relationship with this girl for almost two years now. I lost my virginity to her. I love her but her past keeps haunting me. She is my first sexual partner, I am her 9th. She had two relationships before she was 20. But what bothers me is how fast she was going through men at that early age. She says she changed and that is all in her past. This is a woman I want to marry, but I fear that our different pasts will bring us many fights. I am not sure I want to leave her though. Is her past reason enough for a breakup?
Joshua
Dear Anonymous,
There seems to be a battle going on in your head, and it must be causing you a lot of stress. This happens to many people, especially when it comes to intimate relationships. When we meet our life partners, it is also true that each other’s pasts will be different. It is not common that you will be the same in any way.
Every new relationship has its new beginnings. You mentioned that your girlfriend said she has changed, indicating that you sat together and discussed her past and she might have felt remorseful.
The good news is that it is usually possible to repair a relationship that has been damaged by feelings of disgust. Disgust is one of the basic emotions human beings have. Its function is to keep us healthy. Learning that our partner has a past of casual sex sends red flags to the brain that we are at risk of infectious diseases, a trigger set by our bodies to keep us safe.
To address this, start with the safety tips of making sure you and your girlfriend know each other’s HIV status and any other STIs so as to free up your mind of unknown fears.
We also learn what kind of behaviour is acceptable for men and women and what to value in relationships from our cultural setup. This learned belief can get in your way of relating if you do not evaluate how helpful it is to the present situation. Many cultures hold the belief that a woman who has had multiple partners is revolting. These repeated messages could have informed the beliefs you have about women so much that they could be outside of your awareness.
