By Lexi Apio
Dear future husband, where are you? Nze I am tired of waiting. Get here already. I am tired of looking at other people’s wedding pictures and pretending that they are nice. To be honest, most of the photos are too much for my little eyes to fathom. But no, we are not allowed to say the truth. We are only supposed to smile and pretend to like them. When will it be our turn so that I can show these people how it’s done, i.e have 10 photos only. And what’s the farce with these pre-wedding photos shoots anyway? Because really, why would a grown 190kg man be wearing tight kitenge shorts, sit under a tree pretending to be eating apples with his bride-to-be? And why is he holding a tiny pink umbrella? Abegi! Where are they even going to hang those photos?
My dear, get here quickly. I promise I will not make you do those things. You will only pay for them while I enjoy all the attention and new clothes.
And don’t be anxious about the introduction ceremony either. My parents don’t need your carrots, pumpkins, tomatoes and watermelons in baskets wrapped in pink ribbon and a long skinny thigh of a diseased cow to prove that you are man enough. They can’t eat those things anyway. What I really want is for you to put on a clean, ironed Kanzu, grab a couple of sober and well-shaven friends and relatives and come to officially meet my family. But please I beg you, don’t wear that nylon coat you put on to every introduction you have been to in the past four years; this is not the time to show us how frugal you are.
Don’t get me wrong, just because I said I didn’t want those veggies doesn’t mean you should show up with nothing but teeth and a haircut. If you show up empty-handed, even I will deny ever knowing you. Bring the veggies but don’t stress too much over them. As a matter of fact, I know a certain market where you can rent them. You pay by the hour. You can even rent the cow or cow thigh whichever your preference might be. Just make sure no one ever knows. After all, I have been to introductions where the gifts given to the bride and her parents like cars, dining tables, washing machines are rented just for show. Even us we shall rent the tomatoes and onions.
In case you still have doubts, yes, I am sour-grapping. Try being a single bridesmaid at 150 weddings where you are expected to pay for dress, shoes and hair and see if you won’t end up like me. So keep quiet, sit down and let me rant. And after reading, show up baby. I will be right here waiting for you impatiently with the rented tomatoes.